The following are examples of sexual violence with examples of how you could help:
The Situation
Your friend is throwing a house party. A girl you don’t recognise has had way too much to drink. A couple of guys walk over and one slides his hand up her skirt while the other opens the buttons on her shirt.
What To Say
- Confront the guys and tell them “leave her alone! She’s drunk.” Then stick around to see if they leave.
- Tell someone around you, like a friend, older sibling, parent and get them to help you break up the situation.
- See if she is okay and tell her you are there to help
- See if she has any friends with her who can get her home safely
- When she is sober remind her that if she needs support she can contact the Canberra Rape Crisis Centre on (02) 6247 2525
The Situation
You and your mates are staying down at the coast for a weekend away. Your friend, Ben, is in fine form, being loud and obscene as usual. Everyone is laughing and having a great time. Simon bends over to get a drink out of the esky. Before he can right himself Ben is standing behind him, grabbing his hips and humping vigorously.
“Oi, Simon says he loves it doggy-style!”
You laugh with the rest of them, but after a while you notice Simon isn’t saying much. When you’re alone you ask him what’s up.
“When Ben does stuff like that to me, you know…” he trails off. “It kind of makes me feel like shit.”
What’s the big deal?
What’s the big deal? Isn’t it just meant to be messed up and funny?
What Ben did fits within the definition of sexual harassment.
Sexual harassment is defined by The Australian Human Rights Commission as unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature which makes a person feel offended, humiliated or intimidated, where a reasonable person would anticipate that reaction in the circumstances.
Ben mimed an intense sexual act on Simon in front of a group of people and did not have Simon’s permission. From the above definition is is fair to assume that this is going to make Simon feel humiliated, offended, or intimated, even if it was meant as a joke.
What To Say
- You could support Simon by listening to him and making him feel heard. Assure him he can always come to you if he feels uncomfortable. That’s what friends are for.
- You could find a way to call Ben out on what he did (you can find a great list of examples from The Line here. They are aimed at sexist behaviour but work for sexual violence as well)
- You can let Simon know that if he ever needs support he can call The Canberra Rape Crisis Centre on (02) 6247 2525
The Situation
You’re at a party and you overhear your mate Dave talking to his girlfriend Mary.
You hear Dave say to Mary, “We’ve been going out for so long. How can you still not be ready? I’ve been patient!”
Mary replies, “I’m sorry, just not yet.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sick of waiting. Its tonight or we are over. So what do you want?” Dave asks.
“I don’t want us to be over. I guess we can.” Mary replies.
That’s not consent!
Remember the term Free Agreement?
Mary is not freely consenting to have sex with Dave. She is agreeing out of manipulation and fear of losing the relationship.
What To Say
- You could confront the couple and tell Dave that his actions are really messed up and that he doesn’t have consent from Mary. Remind Mary she doesn’t ever have to do anything she doesn’t want to do.
- Remind them that being in a relationship does not automatically give consent.
- You could wait to debrief with Mary when she is on her own and help her leave.
The Situation
You’re taking the bus to school. Close by you see some guy hassling a woman. The bus is crowded but you definitely saw him cop a feel of her arse. By the discomfort on her face you know it wasn’t welcome. The woman looks frustrated and embarrassed. You can tell she wants to move away but the bus is packed.
What To Say
- If it is safe you could confront the guy by telling them that their actions are wrong, unacceptable, and harmful.
- Help the woman to move away from him.
- See if she is okay and ask her if she would like to seek help.
- Tell someone in authority, like the bus driver.
- If they are a student suggest that they talk to the school councillor or trusted teacher.
- Suggest they debrief with a friend, or call the Canberra Rape Crisis Centre for Support on (02) 6247 252
The Situation
Your mate Chris has been bragging all day about sleeping with this girl. It was funny at first but he keeps going on and on about it. Finally, one of your mates snaps “Oh for fuck sake Chris! It probably didn’t even happen.” Chris gets defensive “Nah mate! I swear it happened!” You break the tension by making a joke and after a while everything seems to be smoothed over, but you can tell Chris is still kind of pissed off.
Later that night you get a message from Chris. It’s a picture taken on his phone of a topless woman with the caption “Told u”.
You message him back “hahaha! I believe u. Cant believe she let u send that!”
He writes back “She’d kill me if she knew bro! lol!”
What’s the big deal?
When private photos are shared, people featured in them lose control over what happens to them. They can’t control what happens to them, who sees them and in what context.
From what you know, Chris had sex with the woman in the photo consensually, she may have even consented to having her picture taken. However, she did not consent to him sharing the image with his friends! Not only is this disrespectful, it is against the law! In 2017, the ACT passed new legislation which makes it illegal to share intimate images without consent. Find out more here.
If she was under 16 then the picture shared would be classified as child pornography and the legal consequences for Chris would be even greater.
What To Say
- DELETE THE PHOTO AND DO NOT FORWARD IT ON TO ANYONE ELSE!
- Tell Chris it is not okay for him to share that photo with out this woman’s consent.
- Remind him that it’s illegal and he can be charged.
what to say
what to say is is part of Summer of Respect and is brought to you by the Canberra Rape Crisis Centre and the Women's Centre for Health Matters. With assistance from the ACT Government. Read our privacy policy.
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